Monday, September 3, 2012

the sads

It hit me a week or so ago that this journey is almost over. The last 3ish weeks have been so busy at work that they have flown by and now we're almost full term! I had a lightbulb come on and it made me panic for a moment, because I'm not ready for this to end! I was trying to work through my feelings to pinpoint exactly why I was feeling sad and I think it is just the fear of the unknown... Not knowing how things will be after the Bean is born. I text one of the dad's that I was having brief moments of sads because our journey was almost over and he replied, "No sads, our journey is just beginning!" I'm taking that as a good sign that I will get to maintain a lifelong friendship with this amazing family I helped create. 

I don't, by any means, want to keep the Bean, and I'm not feeling more attached to her (which are questions people have asked now that her birth is getting closer), but it's a surreal feeling to think that usually the joy of pregnancy transitions into the joy of bringing a baby home and that isn't the case in this situation! It's definitely a different concept to wrap your head and emotions around; that you are going to have this baby, not be pregnant and then......... ? *insert sads and panic here* 

A lot of girls talk about the feelings of not knowing what their role is, feeling unneeded because their "job" is now over, etc. I feel fortunate that I work full time and am a single mom, so that always keeps me extremely busy- pregnant or not! I will be pumping for an undetermined amount of time, so that will buy me some guaranteed contact and interaction for awhile, too. I've also decided that I'm going to take my daughter on a vacation towards the end of my maternity leave, as a thank you for being so supportive, helpful, and amazing throughout this whole process. So we have that to look forward to! 

I know everything is going to be just fine, and I feel so blessed to have been chosen to be a part of this amazing experience for this amazing family. I am more at peace with the situation now, and am back to being excited about meeting this sweet girl and seeing her daddies with her for the first time! I am just trying to enjoy every second, take in every wiggle and hiccup, and soak it all in while I can. 

To end on a happier note, we are 35 weeks today and everything is going great! I am starting to feel uncomfortable and HEAVY, although I've been assured that I don't look as large as I feel ;) I have a doctor's appointment next Monday, and then it's time for our weekly appointments! I'll leave you with my 35 week picture. 

Thanks for reading


Jesse said...

This post hit home for me...because I did have the "sads" after I had my surro son.

It took me a few weeks to get over that sadness, but then once I realized and saw how amazingly happy my IF's were, it totally made me so much better. Happier. I'm not saying I don't feel sad from time to time, but I promise when you feel awful and sad, things will get better!

It helped for me to have surrogate friends to lean, e-mail me if you need a surrogate friend to chat with! (

Enjoy every last second of your journey and remember, it will NEVER end :)

Jeni said...

The sads SUCK. Period. :(

I'm glad you're feeling better now. Sounds like you have lots to look forward to. Enjoy these last few weeks!

BTW, I know you feel uncomfortable, but holy crap, you look SOOOO cute!

Andrea said...

Aww honey. We can have the sads together. Sister wives unite!! Love you, girl!

Susan said...

Every surrogate goes through a period of "what now" after the baby is born. You can't go back to who you were before so all you can do is find the new you and your new normal. It's just a process and you can do it.